Guys guys guys, the casting list for the upcoming season of The Bachelor was posted today! I thought it would be fun to write up a blog post as I read through the list of this season’s cast. But I also have things to do, so I’m going to do it in a couple of chunks. Here are the first 8 of 30! (30!? That’s more than usual. There is also more diversity in the group this year – way to go, Bachelor franchise!) And before you judge (though I’m sure some of you already are…and that’s okay,) I am fully aware of how awful this show is. Just go with it, okay? 🙂
Alexis. Her occupation is listed as ‘Aspiring Dolphin Trainer.’ Welp. Starting this season off with a bang. Also, she’s 23. I’m officially of the age where I’m older than most reality TV stars. Well, maybe with the exception of some cooking shows. There’s still a chance! She can’t live without her fake eyelashes? Where do they find these people? I can say with confidence that I’ve never used fake eyelashes in my 26 years of life and I’ve turned out just fine.
Angela. Okay so far I’m sensing a theme. If she could be any animal, she would be a dolphin. I didn’t mention it, but Alexis said she’d like to be a dolphin too. I mean, I get it. Dolphins are pretty cool, I’m just surprised there were two dolphin lovers in a row is all. If she never had to drive herself anywhere, she’d be very happy. I feel ya, Angela. That’s why you’ve gotta find a hubby who likes to drive! Huh. And she licks the popcorn bag. I can’t say I’ve done that, but I imagine it would taste like popcorn butter. I’ll take it. I like you, Angela.
Astrid. Okay first off, Astrid, you’ve got a cool name. Her bio says she’s 5’7.5″ – obviously that half inch is very important to her! Annnd ohmygod we have another girl that wants to be a dolphin. Her reasoning is the best so far too, (and by best, I mean probably the worst…) “so I could rescue lost sailors and swim in the ocean doing tricks.” Do dolphins even rescue sailors? Maybe she’s thinking of mermaids, and by rescue she means drag down to the bottom of the ocean. Maybe. Annnd she can’t live without her ‘lashes’ either. Are dolphins and fake eyelashes the new Pumpkin Spice Latte/leggings and ugg boots or something? Geez. Nexxxxt.
Briana. It might just be because I’ve been listening to the Moana soundtrack for a couple of days straight, but I’m now replacing the name Moana with Briana in my head. Briana, make way make way…Briana it’s time you knew – the village of Motunui is all you neeeeed…. Okay sorry. Back on topic. Briana has nice arms. It also kind of looks like this was the 426th photo the Bachelor team took, and she was kind of forcing this smile. NO FREAKIN WAY. She also wants to be a dolphin. They must have all gotten together and discussed their animal of choice. Another trend is answering the fictional character question as wanting to be Ariel/the Little Mermaid. I don’t get it.
Brittany. Okay I actually don’t even have anything amusing to say about Brittany. I think I’d be friends with her. She seems too normal for the Bachelor franchise, which means either a) she won’t last long or b) she has a crazy side that doesn’t really show in a short questionnaire. Time will tell.
Christen. Huh. She’s a wedding videographer. That job sounds way too stressful. And she has “the life of Jesus in symbols” as a tattoo on her wrist. I can’t even comprehend what that would look like. I imagine we’ll see it on-screen at some point. Lol. She would break into the White House and observe from a storage closet if she could get away with it. I have a feeling that would actually get quite boring. OH thank goodness. A break in the dolphin trend. She’d like to be a wild mustang! You seem alright, Christen.
Corrine. I feel like if I wrote YA fiction, the snobby girl in my book would be named Corrine. I’m not quite sure why. Let’s see if my preconceived notions of the name match up with her answers! ..annnd surprisingly nothing really stuck out to me. She would be a cheetah, so at least we’re continuing the downward swing of dolphins? She also owns her own (online) business, so that’s pretty cool. Unless she just sells ItWorks! or LulaRoe or whatever. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.
Danielle. She has a butterfly tattoo on the back of each ankle. Wouldn’t that hurt? Why 2? Why butterflies? So many unanswered questions. Her reasoning for wanting to be a fox is pretty on point; “they are responsive, sometimes cunning and adaptive.” I like it. Annnd I just choked on my water from chortling. Do people actually use the word chortle? Anyway, the most outrageous thing she’s done…”I climbed up on a cliff and swung from a rope on top of a waterfall jumping into the water. The sign said “Locals Only,” but we did it anyways.” That ending. I can’t even.
I’m going to aim to have another chunk up tonight, but no promises.
All photos courtesy of ABC.com